Uncle Bitch Slap's Red Cadillac Pimpmobile
By Peter de Vries

Day 1
"Eric, hon, there's someone on the telephone for you. "

"I don't want to talk on the phone, mum!"

"But it's important, dear. It's a lawyer."

"Screw the lawyer!"

"Don't be a potty mouth, Eric. Now come and speak to the nice lawyer. You've inherited something."

"Ooh, cool." Eric gets up off the couch, puts his plate of half-eaten pie down, and waddles his fat ass over to the telephone.

"What have I inherited, Mr Lawyer? "Son, you're uncle's left you a red Cadillac."

"Cool, a Cadillac. How'd he die? "Your uncle was a pimp. Do you know what a pimp is?

"No. "

"Then ask your mother. She'll know. Your uncle died in an orgy. His heart gave out. Do you know what an orgy is, Eric?

"Yes."

"Then what is it?"

"It's... I just know, okay?"

"You'll have to come to New York to pick up the Cadillac. Put your mother back on. I'll give her the details." Eric gives the phone to his mother. He goes back to the TV and finishes eating pie while watching a couple of cartoon characters fart in each others' faces.

Eric's mother stands in front of the TV.

"Mum! Move!

"I want to talk to you about this Cadillac. You'll need to go to New York."       "I know."

"So how will you get there?"

"I don't know. I'll ask Mr Harrison to take the class on an excursion to New York."

"Hon, I don't think he'll do that. But maybe he'll take you to Washington."       "What's in Washington?"

"There's a special exhibition on: the Smithsonian Exhibition of Famous Presidential Stains."

"What sort of stain?"

"Ooh, I don't want to tell you that. It'd spoil the fun of the exhibition. But there's one stain which mummy caused. Now all I have to do is convince Mr Harrison that your class should go to the exhibition. I'm going over to Mr Harrison's house now. I should be back in a couple of hours. There's plenty of cheesy poofs in the kitchen in case you get hungry."

Day 2
      Eric is waiting at the bus stop with Myles Croslofski, Kilkenny McChronic, and Stun March.

"Guess what I just inherited?" says Eric.

"What?" asks Myles.

"A red Cadillac. From my dead pimp uncle."

"What's a pimp? asks Stan.

"*^/@&*\#$ (*&%/\$#~" says Kilkenny.

"Wow, your uncle was one of those people? says Eric.

"That's right," says Eric. "He was a cool uncle."

"Did you ever meet him, Fartman?" asks Stan.

"No. "

The children get on the bus, passing the delightful Miss Crabpee, whom for once looks happy. Stun notices that Officer Barbaric is sitting beside Miss Crabpee, his hand up her skirt and moving about. Stan shrugs, unable to figure out what's happening.

The children arrive at school and go to class. Mr Harrison stands in front of the class with Mr Gland on his right hand.

"Mr Gland, I have some exciting news for the children," says Mr Harrison.       "What's that?" says Mr Gland.

"We're going on a special excursion today."

"Where to?" asks Mr Gland. "To Washington, to see the Smithsonian collection of Famous Presidential Stains."

"Boring," says Stun.
      "No way," says Eric. "My mum convinced Mr Harrison to take us. While the class is in Washington I'm going to head up to New York and get my red Cadillac. You guys can come with me if you like."

"But New York is hundreds of miles from Washington. "

"It is?"

"Yes."

"Oh…"

"Children, I'd like you to go out to the school bus," says Mr Harrison (via Mr Gland).

"Mrs Crabpee is waiting for us."

The children board the bus. As they do this Officer Barbaric leaves the bus. When the children pass him, Myles says,

"What's that smell on Officer Barbaric! It smells like tuna fish."

"It's *&#@%&#^&+" Says Kilkenny.

"Gross," says Kyle. "Who'd do that!"

The bus takes the children to Washington. As they get off the bus, the children see President Bill Clinton walking his dog Buddy.

"What is that dog doing to the president!" asks Myles.

"Why it looks like he's sniffing the president's crotch," says Eric.

"That dog's doing more than that! says Stun.

"God, who'd do something like that to the president!"

"Nothing to see here, move along now," says Mr Gland.

Mr Harrison slaps Mr Gland. "Stop that, Mr Gland. You are not supposed to impersonate other members of North Park! It's bad manners."

The children and Mr Harrison (and Mr Gland) walk into the Smithsonian collection...

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